shimmering scales on monsters' tails

i deactivated my facebook. i didn't want it anymore for a number of reasons i don't really feel like trying to lay out here. anyone who needs to get in contact with me can use the phone or email. i'm tired of having a weird persona/page to maintain and be conscious of. i'm tired of pictures of people i don't want to think about and knowing what everyone from the class two years behind mine in high school is up to. i know it's not a huge deal, but i'm much less of a social person these days, and was feeling sort of fettered by the record of me and everyone else in my face on facebook. so freedom, or something. i'm really feeling negatively towards the internet these days.  i can't take all this stimulation, dammit!

things are okay. great, in certain respects. the weather is getting nice, and i've got a lot of small things to look forward to. i have a school in mind for january, and a sort-of general gameplan for getting there. it has transfer agreements with WCC and it's in upstate new york, and if my grades stay high i may be able to swing some scholarships and do this thing.

i hung out with a really old friend this weekend, for the first time in forever, and it felt really good and comfortable and made me appreciative of the things i did get out of trinity. the way she looks at and analyzes things makes a lot of sense to me, and she's funny, and it's been a really long time since i just hung out with another girl and talked about our lives and shot the shit.

we might not be doing a seder/i will miss it if we do. i'm sort of sad about it, but this weekend i have to break the every-two-weeks pattern regarding seeing fred, and i don't want to go a whole month without seeing him. especially with this weather! it's getting to be more like spring -- we can range around a little more, and after weathering the winter together/apart i'm excited for other seasons with him, and hopefully we can hang out more. i'm aiming to get my license by the time june really gets going. we'll see. my parents don't have enough time to take me driving regularly so i'm going to find a reasonably-priced driving instructor this week and try getting down to business.

i'm trying to pick up a few shifts at blondies again. not my first choice but what else could i possibly do to make money? my experience is pretty much limited to waitressing, answering phones, pouring the occasional beer or cocktail, and organizing files and newspapers. i do data entry for my mother, but not enough for me to be able to say i really do it. i wish there was something for me to do outdoors, something more physical than bussing my own tables. despite my laziness i like to move, crave it to a certain degree, but i can't stand going to gyms, and doing pushups while watching law & order is just not quite cutting it.

have i mentioned i fucking hate living in a city like 96% of the time? i'm looking forward to friends coming home for spring break so i have someone to sit around with in riverside, or just stroll around with.

i made delicious cupcakes from scratch.
i'm in love.
everything is.

there is no order, and no one's in charge. the possibilities are endless for someone, or everyone together, or something, and i'm really actually very small. and i can imagine the universe talking to itself, and that's a precious thing to have as a refuge. i've got love  and the heavens in my head, as a home for this night at least. i've got my own spaceship.

once again the walls and boxes lose their power and disappear, and all my thoughts and the things i see and the things i'll never even know i don't know are tossing ropes and threads and limbs out for one another to grab in some massive act of friendly teamwork and ohh, when things are good they can be so good.

i wish i could be in love without being scared. it was like this even just being involved with someone i liked. at least this this time i'm not acting on my fear. maybe it's because i've learned to not only soothe my own anxiety but also not to act out when i can't calm it down. maybe it's because, for better or worse, i do trust him and his feelings towards me. maybe the idea of us as us and together is just too nice, and cuts through the moods and the worries. my money's on all three.

this is all i really talk about on here anymore because this is the only thing i can't talk to anyone about. just because i don't want to burden my listener. it's not particularly fun for anyone else to read or hear about. here you can choose to read, or not. the only person i sometimes talk to about things like this, boys and girls and my head and my fears and everything i'm crossing my fingers about, is jordan. i feel like he is interested enough by me as a person to listen to self-centered gripes and secrets sometimes.

i have a lot of friends i love very much, but often it's exhausting to be around them just because social interactions generally are tiring and anxiety-ridden for me. there are maybe 4 people (excluding family) who i can be around no matter how tired my mind and spirit are. they're not all particularly close friends, but i care about them, and they all have something about them that allows me to relax and have effortless confidence in the interaction. this used to bother me, but i've realized that i like having a few close friends who mostly live or go to school far away, and i like to do things on my own. i have peculiar, specific preferences and passions, i often can't derive much pleasure from things other people seem to enjoy, and i move at my own pace in all matters. the people i like to hang out with almost no matter what are people i feel comfortable with seeing every aspect of my personality. i used to have none of these people and now i have a few, and for this and a number of other reasons i can't help feeling very lucky. blessed, even, though i don't know which god might be responsible. it's part of this whole net positive feeling about life and the world and stuff that's been growing inside me for months.

i went to the met today with jordan and they had taken down the baziotes my dad and i like, but there was some cool stuff and the calder jewelry exhibit was okay (his stuff is awesome, i just didn't really like the way it was displayed.) now i'm going to watch a movie and go to bed, and in the morning go look at the two floors of a brownstone my family is thinking of moving into. my mom is crazy.

i've been listening to Merriweather Post Pavillion and The Heart Of Saturday Night over and over again, switching back and forth between the two as my mood and energy shifts. i've tried other music but i keep coming back to these. i'm really glad that he seems to be listening to the animal collective album, too. they're one of my favorite bands, they kind of seem to play my essential moods and emotions out loud for me (and make them more concretely danceable), and it's pleasantly surprising to me that he's enjoying them as well. he (and matt) got me into the tom waits album, and i like the (sort-of) symmetry.

real quick, before i go up to Westchester to register for classes.

there's silly drama, people showing their uglier sides, and if some of the people involved weren't pretty important to me i'd be tempted just to stop talking to/seeing everyone involved. i don't know whether it's better to cut them out of my life because they're snobbish and angry and pretend to disdain drama when they actually relish it, or whether i should apologize for things i don't think were wrong and keep pretending that i think i'm just a crazy, hypocritical bitch who deserves what she got. i certainly thought that at one point, but time, experience, and having someone who likes me not in spite of who i am and what i'm like but because of it have helped me realize that some things about me may be difficult to deal with, but that doesn't mean they're bad. not everything about me needs to be changed, and it's really about knowing which battles to fight, and which supposed weaknesses can actually be empowering.

i don't know. i had a nice weekend. i'm going to indiana tonight.

www.crunchyroll.com/media-110539/Midori-Movie-Movie-1.html

you've got to watch this movie. it's less than an hour long. it's nuts.


en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Midori_(1992_film)

i know it was just halloween, but i really feel like watching the charlie brown christmas special. the music is so good.

yesterday was a magical fucking day.

there is nothing in the world quite like a good punk show. and this was a great punk show. Whack is amazing, all the more because of their tender years. Their set was tight and wild and everyone was so into it. which is really something, considering that they played right after Leftover Crack. YES. fucking Leftover Crack was the suprise band.

can't even explain the currents of human emotions running through that room. everyone was ecstatic and friendly and i met a boy with a fantastic name and we danced together through all of LOC and bits of Whack. i've never danced with a specific person in a pit. he grabbed my hands and we spun into people and waltzed and touched bare torsos together and shoved everyone and grinned at each other. i took off my shirt and promptly lost it, and had to wear alex's nasty, sweaty shark week shirt home. the videos of the show are all bare shoulders glistening and the heaving crowd. every article of clothing was left soaked, i sprained my ankle a little, my feet and lower legs are so bruised, and the rest of me is just sore. best show of the summer.

LOC is playing again this sunday for the tompkins riot anniversary thang. everybody in the tri-state area - come!


on another note, somewhere in the blackout period of tuesday night, my phone went missing. fuckk.

also also,




i got and read up to #5 but am fininishing them faster than i have the money to buy new ones, so i'm downloading the rest.

and Fables? pretty good.

okay i just saw this commercial, and maybe it's my fragile mental state, or the fact that i've spent far more time than usual rolling around on the floor giggling with the puppy, but i laughed really hard.






also, i DROVE a motorcycle!!! i want i want i want one.

also, i have 2 big plans in the works. one way or another, this is going to be some autumn.


p.s. 90's alt-rock! i love it so.

this weekend

i saw broken social scene live and then ran around coney island drunk with harrison and caleb. went out to the beach, stripped to my underwear and jumped in the ocean. cutting through dark water at night is one of the most delicious feelings. then they made me go on the cyclone and it was amazing. caleb said he was worried, he hadn't seen me that happy in forever, he thought i had finally cracked. but it was just perfect, the beer and the music and dancing and then the beach and the water, there is no drug that is so complete as my favorite things. how lucky am i, to be able to have the things i like best, absolutely the best, all in one day? how does that happen?! i can't believe it, really. beautiful. i hope feet heal quick and without infection, that new tattoos keep being pleasing.

now off to work.

1. work is great. period.


2. this is the coolest thing i've ever seen:

and some awesome feeshes

p.s. this band, the volcano suns, is really really good. checkemout, i dunno how much of their stuff you can find online. i love them. pop-y postpunk. best soundtrack for driving in the mountains in puerto rico.

i don't really have anyone to talk to right now, sort of by choice, so i think i'm going to come back to this thing.

so much to do.

so much better.

i need to do so much better.

realized this weekend that the only things that get me going right now are music and comic books, so i'm going to keep a lot of both around so i don't stall out. also, i've been given a second chance at love, as they say in the wacky world of romantic comedy. i need figure out very soon how i'm going to make it better than it was before, how to show the enormity of my feelings without also being a total lunatic (/hypocrite/emotional trainwreck/burden), how to add to his life. exploding with love, though, get redwarm cheeks just thinking about it right now.

i woke up about half an hour ago, having gone to sleep as soon as my classes ended at 2.

sitting in my excellent new room in Hill, surrounded by my things, and mere doors and floors away from many of my friends. i'm sad so many people live in the mods though, at least when i'm tired and cold and don't feel like walking anywhere.

been in kind of a cold fog for the past day, trying not to pick up a phone and call him again, leave him another message telling him what he means to me, how sorry i am for the colossal mistake i made. i miss him, i never realized how much there is that i want to show to him or tell him about every day. i've never felt so evil in my life, and (as much as i don't like to admit this) i think this is the first time i've ever felt fully repentant, without one single drop of feeling in some weird way justified and victimized in my own trespasses.

i tried not to think about it all morning, to enjoy the sunshine and lose myself in the pages of notes i took down in 20th century russian history. but when there was no more class left, all i could do was come back here, curl up in bed, and pass the fuck out. now i'm awake, i guess i'll sketch and read for a while, and then seek out some drink maybe.

during latin i happened to find a list from last semester of movies i wanted to see (either for the first time, or again), and the first entry was strangers on a train, which we were going to watch last week but never ended up having the time, and my stomach started rolling and my eyes burned.

i was so glad last night when several people (separately, and at different times) IMed me asking to meet them outside for cigarettes. it gave me a break from my own thoughts, made me feel taken care of.

oh man, but my roommate is the best. she's bringing me to the mods to drink some beeahs.

(my cousin and my sister, taken a year or two ago.)



some quick thoughts while working on my Dante canto -


carbonation is crazy! the gingerale on the bookshelf next to me is making the nuttiest noises, all by itself.

i am waaay more capable of getting shit done than i usually let myself think. i am cruisin' with this canto i am writing (due today at approximately 2 pm). for some reason, after i got back from a nice dinner, and played some katamari (!), i felt ready to get down to business.

this project is a nice way to get back into writing poetry, because i'm using someone else's premise/rhyme scheme/etc, and also what i'm writing is necessarily being read with fucking Dante Alighieri in mind, so i have something to blame for the fact that what i am writing may sound completely ridiculous. nice to do some creative writing, finally. also, the ill rhymes i have been spitting in the shower lately have been a good warm-up, and i'm probably way more awesome at pulling spiffy stanzas in terza rima out of my ass because of it. which leads me to this...

everyone i know is secretly a Rap Star. or not-so-secretly a poet. i'm very impressed with all of you.


hi, dylan!